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Archive for the ‘Fridays Follies’ Category

Amy Ridenour believes this proposed weapon of the future would have driven the lefties plum crazy with love. Via the New Scientist

THE Pentagon considered developing a host of non-lethal chemical weapons that would disrupt discipline and morale among enemy troops, newly declassified documents reveal.

Most bizarre among the plans was one for the development of an “aphrodisiac” chemical weapon that would make enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other. Provoking widespread homosexual behaviour among troops would cause a “distasteful but completely non-lethal” blow [no puns please – ed] to morale, the proposal says.

Obviously the Pentagon was just afraid of being on the receiving end of the politically correct crowds rath. Not to mention protest marches in certain cities [who shall remain nameless to protect my comment thread – ed] of the country.

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Casting Doubt on Swiss Neutrality

Switzerland famous home of chocolates and fondue is also well known for its political neutrality in world affairs. Dating to the Treaty of Westphalia in 1648, European countries recognized Switzerland’s independence from the Holy Roman Empire and its neutrality. In the last century The Swiss did not participate in either world war and has become, for the most part a mediator, vice antagonist.

A new study by the Swiss Institute for the Prevention of Alcoholism and Drug Abuse has cast doubt on the underlaying reasons for Swiss neutrality, at least the 21st century version:

Swiss teenagers smoke more cannabis than their peers in every other European country, a survey said Thursday, casting a pall over the country’s prim and wholesome image. [And it’s neutrality? – ed]

One in three Swiss 15-year-olds has lit up a joint within the past year, while the number of teenagers regularly smoking or getting drunk rose 10 percent between 1998 and 2002, the Swiss Institute for the Prevention of Alcoholism and Drug Abuse said in their survey.

“For a large number of young people, falling back on alcohol, cigarettes or cannabis is part of a response to growing social pressures and a failure to engage with the future,” survey leader Holger Schmid said in a statement.

/ begin tongue in cheek tags here /

In light of this new evidence its possible modern Switzerland’s neutrality can be attributed to just being stoned to the bejesus! Rather than being the great moderator, the modern Swiss can’t tear themselves away from the munchie table filled with Fondue, Apfelküchlein, and Brunsli (Swiss brownies), [pot laced no doubt – ed] long enough and with the appropriate amount of concern to give a rats ass in a ferris wheel about world politics.

/ end tongue in cheek tags here /

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Inquiring minds want to know:

A CZECH judge has ordered the remains of the world’s smallest dog to be exhumed after its owner started legal proceedings against the vet who allegedly caused the dog’s death four years ago.

Ondra, a chihuahua who weighed 850g (30oz) and was 15cm (6in) tall, was the world’s smallest dog, according to the Guinness Book of Records of 1999.

Ondra’s owner, Miloslavka Vasickova, planned to make Ondra the Claudia Schiffer of the canine world. She had set up a lucrative series of advertising contracts and photoshoots featuring the animal.

But disaster struck in 1999, when Ondra caught a cold. A vet gave the animal an injection that left it paralysed and it had to be put down in 2000. Now, four years later, the dog exhumation is the first to take place in the Czech Republic, one of the European Union’s newest member states.

Ms Vasickova is suing the vet for one million crowns (£23,000), claiming loss of earnings for the deals that had been set up for Ondra.

Judge Josef Berka, sitting in Olomouc, 140 miles southeast of Prague, said that he was ordering the exhumation of the dog at the request of the owner.

“It’s the first time I’ve heard of a dog being exhumed. I can’t understand what it will achieve,” Karel Krocil, Olomouc’s police chief, said.

Maybe the use of a Tonka #3935 Earth Mover would be appropriate. It’s diminutve size certainly wouldn’t wreck havoc on the flower bed poor little Ondra may be currently resting in.

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Sen. John Kerry AWOL

Italian arrested for throwing hamsters.

ROME (Reuters) – A retired Italian man could face up to a year and a half in prison if found guilty of killing his six pet hamsters and one guinea-pig by throwing them off his terrace into passing traffic. The man, detained by police after the guinea-pig crashed into the windscreen of a car, told officials that he had accidentally knocked the animals off his terrace while sweeping, AGI news agency reported on Thursday.

Police in the northern coastal town of Imperia discovered the hamsters’ bodies littered across the street after the motorist complained about the broken windscreen.

By studying the trajectory of the pets’ bodies they were able to identify the pensioner’s apartment. [Is there a CSI Italy? — ed]

So where in the hell is Kerry when he is needed most? Oh sure he was available to play suck face with Licorice, although, some believe they “smell a rat” in the telling of that tale. And to hear Licorice tell it, the entire incident may have been staged [“somebody – I’m not saying it was Alexandra; I’m not saying it was on purpose – “bumped” my cage”] just to give Kerry another opportunity to play the hero ala, the Rassman Swift Boat escapade.

But now there can be no doubt. When the chips were down. When flagrant hamster genocide occured and six innocent rodents fell to their deaths, Kerry was AWOL.

RODENT UPDATE: Kerry gets a chance to redeem himself. Will he take it and help these poor cocaine addicted rats?

Rob has also noticed the strange silence from the Kerry camp.

This post stalled in the Beltway Traffic Jam

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German psychologists from Bremen University claim after reading these dumb blonde jokes:

“What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair? — Artificial intelligence.” “How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? — Tell her a joke on Wednesday.”

You will immediately be turned into a blithering idiot, or a reasonable facsimile of Tammy Faye Baker.

“We found people tended to perform poorly when less was expected of them and that jokes about stupid blondes were therefore self-fulfilling,” Jens Frster of Bremen University said.

[…]

“No blonde woman believes she is stupid,” said Frster. “But after exposure to negative social stereotypes about them, the fair-haired participants performed significantly more slowly in the tests.”

Anyone know if Michael Moore dyes his hair? He lies about everything else.

Next time you visit the Britain’s Science Museum please, please don’t flush the toilets

The central London museum said it was considering taking the waste from its 14 toilet blocks and converting it into electricity.

“With free admission it would be a great way for visitors to give something back to the museum and help keep the overheads down,” said the museum’s head Jon Tucker. “We have almost 3 million visitors each year and have huge electricity bills.” The power produced from the excrement of 100,000 visitors could produce enough to power 500 light bulbs, while also breaking down harmful organic matter, it said.

May I suggest passing out a laxitive (please oral, not anal) at the front door, you could break the four figure mark in light bulbs lit.

What did you do last time you were drunk? Play silly party games? Maybe wakeup the next day beside a “pretty girl?” Or go to an orgy like this Brazilian, then file a lawsuit because you were drunk and didn’t want to be there.

Luziano Costa da Silva complained that he only agreed to take part because he was drunk. But a judge in Goias ruled that he had joined the orgy of his own free will, Terra Noticias Populares reports.

The judge said: “If someone agrees to take part in an orgy, he or she cannot complain about it afterwards.” “Whoever takes part in an orgy knows what is coming and does not have the right to complain later.”

Judge please no puns about what’s cumming coming.

Addendum: As long as we are on the scatological trail I might as well add this:

A man was hospitalized for burns after he lit a cigarette in a portable outhouse and the outhouse exploded.

MECCA said that at about 9:40 a.m. Tuesday, Monongalia Emergency Medical Services responded to a burn call at the Clay-Battelle Community Health Center on the Mason-Dixon Highway in Blacksville.

The spokesperson said a man, whose identity is not being released, was inside a portable outhouse when the explosion occurred. The methane gases inside the outhouse didn’t “take too kindly” to the lit cigarette, the spokesperson said. A Clay-Battelle Health Center spokeswoman said the man drove himself to the clinic. EMS workers said the man was not severely hurt but they could not comment specifically on his injuries or release his name due to privacy policies.

No word was given if there was any collateral damage. [i.e. scatological shrapnel, or feces fallout]

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An elderly tourist got lost in a German forest for two days after using a guide book bought by his father in 1914. Locals from the Bayreuth area rescued the 79-year-old American.

“He told us he had read it over and over as a boy and had always wanted to visit the places listed in it,” said a police spokesman in Bad Berneck.

“But owing to the Great Depression, the war, and raising a family and working all his life, he said he never got around to actually travelling abroad until now.”

On second thought, stupid doesn’t come close to describing this idiot. Even the stupid should have figured out a 90 year old guide book is worthless, I’m tending more towards terminally brain dead as to the cause of this mis-adventure.

On third thought, maybe he is smarter than I have given him credit for. It is just possible he was in search of what Donald Rumsfeld called “old Europe”. “You’re thinking of Europe as Germany and France. I don’t,” he said. “I think that’s old Europe.

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The Judge has a “Hard” Case

Your Honor, I object! – I object to that “swooshing” sound!

An Oklahoma state judge frequently masturbated and used a device for enhancing erections while his court was in session, charges a petition by the state’s attorney general seeking his removal.

Oklahoma Attorney General Drew Edmondson filed the petition on Wednesday with state judicial authorities seeking the ouster of Sapulpa District Judge Donald Thompson, 57, for “conduct constituting an offense involving moral turpitude in violation of the Oklahoma Constitution,” Edmondson’s spokesman said on Thursday.

The judge flatly denies the charges made in the petition, his lawyer, Clark Brewster, said on Thursday. He said the judge received a penis pump for his 50th birthday as a gag gift, which became a source of a running joke in the courthouse.

“The allegations are bizarre and preposterous,” Brewster said. “Recently, some members of local law enforcement that are upset with a number of his rulings, used this situation to embarrass and attack him.”

Question, was it marked as “exhibit A?”

“On one occasion, Ms. (Lisa) Foster (Thompson’s court reporter for 15 years), saw Judge Thompson holding his penis up and shaving underneath it with a disposable razor while on the bench,” the petition reads.

Several witnesses, including jurors in Thompson’s court and police officers called to testify in trials, said in the petition they heard the “swooshing” sound of a penis pump during trials and saw the judge slumped in his chair, with his elbows on his knees, working the device. The witnesses said the pump sounded like a blood pressure cuff being pumped up.

And this must be “exhibit B.”

Your Honor, I object, on behalf of my client I object to these obviously pumped trumped up charges!

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An early entry to my normal Friday Follies, from DGCI

Three surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, “I’m the best surgeon in Mass. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England!”

The next one said, “That’s nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in field events in the Olympics.”

The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a fellow who was high on pot and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse’s ass and a large nose. Now John Kerry’s running for president of the United States.”

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……so here are Fridays absurdities.

1. A Middle aged tourist has found someone to blame for his wife running off with a barman in Turkey – his holiday company. The slighted husband, whose name was not disclosed, said he had sent a letter of complaint to Tapestry Holidays but the company said it had not received it. Now he is planning his next holiday – with another woman.

Do ya think he’s smart enough to not take his new main squeeze to Turkey?

2. SCOTLAND’S first topless barber shop will open this week to protests by women’s groups and clergy in a bid to stop customers receiving a short, back and sides from scantily-clad stylists. Last week, the owners of the shop caused controversy when they put up a huge banner with a picture of a woman cupping her breasts outside the shop.

Two questions. Do I need to make a reservation, and if the waiting line is outside, does the place have windows?

3. A FORMER beauty queen who boosted ratings when she became a weather girl on Italian television has been sacked for being too sexy. Viewers apparently loved watching Eleonora Pedron, 21, present the weather but her bosses took action after she posed in her underwear in two men’s magazines.

Eleonora, sweetheart, I have a deal for you! How would you like to work in scenic Scotland? The tips are good

4. A SPOONFUL of worms may not go down as delightfully as sugar, but it is highly effective against inflammatory bowel disease, research has found. Following the success of trials, a drinkable potion containing thousands of pig whipworm eggs could be launched in Europe as early as next month.

Who the hell did the research? Fear Factor? Hope they launch it in France first, they deserve it after foisting that snails as food crap on the world.

5. A BAPTIST minister is to open Scotland’s first dedicated “miracle” healing centre in Glasgow. The Rev Steven Anderson has trained an inter-denominational team of healers to cure the sick, including the blind and those suffering from cancer. He stressed the centre would offer physical “miracles”, not counselling, at a weekly service.

Your location in Scotland should serve you well. Your fellow EU members will need all the “laying on of hands,” and physical “miracles” they can afford after slurping down the previously mentioned pig whipworm cocktails!

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Closest encounter reported between asteroid, Earth.

Next stop Sedna. …. and out the right window you can see Pluto…..

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