Archive for the ‘Satire is Best When Smoked’ Category

Note to Michael Moore

Manatees May Be Smarter Than We Think.

A scientist examining the smooth, grapefruit-size brain of a manatee Michael Moore remarked that the organ’s unwrinkled surface resembled that of the brain of an idiot.

Ever since then, manatees have Moore has generally been considered incapable of doing anything more complicated than chewing sea grass.

That is all!

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Human species ‘may split in two’. I can’t speak for the entire population of the Earth, but one thing is certain.

In North America, more specificially, the U.S. the human species has already split. On one side are the Republicans (the grown-ups). On the other are the [Dim]ocrats who will do and say anything to regain the power they have been without, save for the Clinton Years, for decades.

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If nothing else serves to shorten the lifespan of the communists in charge of over a billion people – this will.

Young Chinese Flirt with Sex Before Marriage.”

And to continue the theme – This story, rated by CNN as a “Top Story,” only serves to indicate how fat, dumb and happy Ameicans have become.

Why did Mario Vazquez quit ‘Idol’?”

Who gives a rats ass in a ferris wheel?

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Wouldn’t it be a woman’s dream, a doubly equipped man? Ladies, let’s be honest, at least amongst yourselves, doesn’t the thought of a two long dong he-man send shivers to your very… well you get the idea.

Michael Gruber may have had similar thoughts. As an avid motorcyclist he loved the wind, the freedom, and probably the friendship of fellow bikers he met pursuing his avocation. Eight years ago things changed, and the tale of the “Two Penis Conundrum” begins.

[Michael]…lost the penis he was born with in the smashup, but thanks to modern science doctors were able to keep him from living the life of a monk.

They reconstructed the organ using a mixture of skin, bone and other tissues from his own body and from all accounts, it was a smashing success. Gruber even fathered a child with his wife, Bianca, using the new appendage.

Hey life is a bowl of cherries, wife, child, a brand new penis what more can a man ask for? But then problems set in.

The newly constructed appendage was frequently infected and eventually it became almost impossible for he and his wife to have sex. Gruber’s solution was to ask doctors to build him a new one, which they did in a Berlin clinic. The doctors, to ensure the second penis (Or is it the third?) took and was properly supplied with blood left the first penis (Or is it the second? I don’t know I’ve lost count. “Who’s on first.”) in place. End result, Michael was the proud owner of two, count ’em, two one eyed wonder worms! One might think he’d be the envy of every male on the planet.

But when wife Bianca got a look at the duo, she packed her backs and left, taking son Etienne with her.

“I’ve got two penises, but no wife, but I am hoping when I get rid of the one of the penises I will get her back,” Gruber said from his hospital bed.

That a boy Michael, ever the optimist. Keep a stiff upper.. – oops, better not go down that road – get well soon Mike. And a few words of advice.

If you should decide to maintain your “duel identity” and the wife splits for good, maybe I can hook you up with the Doublemint Twins. What was that catch phrase? “Double your pleasure, double your fun?”

Failing that, and the desire to return to a single penis lifestyle is overwhelming may I suggest you contact this woman who would probably do the deed fairly cheap. And there is an “outsourcing” option. This Romanian woman will not only whack that extra pee-pee, but also provide a nutritious meal for any pets around the house.

The choice is yours Michael, but until you make it – you da THE MAN!

This entry stalled Outside the Beltway in the Beltway Traffic Jam. Also submitted to Kevin’s Carnival of Trackbacks.

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Manure Pile Finally Burns Out, and before you get your hopes too high, it wasn’t this one!

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The USS Jimmy Carter enters the Navy’s fleet as the most heavily armed submarine ever built, and as the last of the Seawolf SeaChihuahua class of attack subs that the Pentagon ordered during the Cold War’s final years.

Former President Carter, himself a submariner during his time in the Navy, will attend Saturday’s ceremony, which marks the vessel’s formal entry into the fleet.

Here is the “semi-official” list of Commissioning attendees:

  • Jacques Chirac – Commander in Chief, Coalition of Appeasement Monkeys (COAM) Latest folly: Refuses to add Hezbollah to EU terror list.
  • Kofi Annan – Chief Financial Officer COAM See Kosovo, see “other friends, and family.
  • Michael Moore – Videographer and chief proponent of Hatriotism.
  • John Kerry – Office of Obfuscatation, see Cuba, see Iraq, see “more sensitive” WoT.
  • Howard Dean – Office of Science and Technology, [Ur]anus Division
  • Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder – charter member of COAM
  • Philippine President Arroyo – Newest member of COAM, Cost: $6 million and the first to open a “Terrorist EBay.
  • Hans Blix – Lost and Found Dept – Mostly lost.

Guest Speaker:

  • “Anonymous” – Chief of the Department of Hubris. Famous for this quote: “Osama bin Laden appears to be a geniunely pious Muslim; a devoted family man; a talented, focused, and patient insurgent commander; a frank and eloquent speaker; a successful businessman; and an individual of conviction, intellectual honestly, compassion, humility, and physical bravery”

This entry has been “stalled” Outside the Beltway in the Beltway Traffic Jam.

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After all, it is the 75th anniversary of the founding of the Vietnamese Communist Party. You would think after so diligently coddling them for over three decades Kerry would spring for a 3 dollar congrats card.

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Who are They Kidding?

Scientists produce petrified wood in days.

This “discovery” occured decades ago, ask Rose Kennedy, it only took her one day to produce the first version.

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… that this Australian plan was implemented in the U.S.

MELBOURNE, Australia – A leading Australian fertility expert said Thursday he has asked state lawmakers to help turn around dwindling sperm bank reserves by publicly signing up as donors.

Prof. Gab Kovacs, medical director of Victoria state’s largest in-vitro fertilization clinic Monash IVF, sent letters to all male state lawmakers aged under 45 to pose the question, “have you ever thought of becoming a sperm donor?”

“We hope that if some of the leading role models within our community become donors, others may follow suit,” the letter, mailed Wednesday, said.

Think of the possibilities.

Your young and healthy, and of prime child baring age. But the ole man is too pooped to pop. In desperation you turn to one of the many newly opened Congressional sperm banks.

Prior to receipt of your Congressional DNA strands reality sets in. It comes in the form of a disclaimer offered for your signature by the nurse, who strangely, resembles Monica Lewinsky. In fact the resemblance is uncanny, but the disclaimer pulls your attention away from her to its laundry list of provisions. It begins with standard boilerplate: “Welcome to the Congressional Reproductive and Progenitors (CRAP) clinic.” But your eye is drawn to paragraph 3, sub-paragraphs b, c and d.

3b) Donors to the Congressional Reproductive and Progenitors clinic in all cases shall remain anonymous. In some cases, a male partner may “bank” sperm if he anticipates problems with chemotherapy or other medical conditions that may affect his sperm later in life. In all cases Congressional donors, in anticipation of future legal and ethical difficulties as related to paternity, will immediately enter the “donor witness protection program” if said cases should be filed.

3c) CRAP clinic fully intends to follow the “all inclusive” doctrine. To that end potential donors will not be limited strictly to current and past Congressional members. Certain qualified and deserving donors shall be accepted and also shall be provided anonymity.

3d) Legal disclaimer: CRAP Clinic has been and never will be responsible for “wrong sperm inseminations,” we ain’t culpable for shit, go ahead and sue. Our bank of shysters have assured the CRAP Board of Directors all CRAP assets are either in Swiss bank accounts or provided diplomatic immunity as a result of being stashed in Kofi’s Annan’s closet.

Stick that in your… hemm… “tubes” and propagate it!

Shaken by the written page your imagination turns to thoughts no human should endure. Reeling with a realization that screaming little sperm cells may be introduced into your system, you stagger towards freedom from this evil place. Reaching for the door you envision giving birth to fraternal twin moonbats. You stumble out, into the sunshine and race to the parking lot.

Now safe in your SUV you have a moment to reflect on the last few minutes. Deciding there is no way in hell you will risk raising a child that could grow up to be a Chappaquiddick swimming instructor you select the only option available.


Cross posted @ On the Third Hand, and is also stalled Outside the Beltway in the Beltway Traffic Jam.

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Presented by IowaHawk Productions, Fairwell, My Producer, staring a cast of thousands… of Bloggers. As the opening credits roll:

It was a quiet cold Monday at Black Rock. Too quiet, I thought, slowly polishing the lens on my trusty Sony VC6809. New York is not the kind of town that likes to keep secrets, and my tingling senses told me that somewhere in Gotham somebody was spilling some beans. And in my line of work, you get to know deep down in your gut those beans have a habit of being silent – but deadly.

My name is Rather. And I’m a dick.

Case closed… this entry will be the best, both on the subject matter, and as blog entry of the year. READ THE REST!

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