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No Thanks Santa

You brought me a goat last Christmas and the damm thing didn’t make it past New Years Dinner. Except the leftovers.

Couldn’t you see your way to bring me something a little more substantial. Say for example, one of these, or this 420hp beauty.

But if you insist, and it must be another “Goat” this year, drop this beast in my front yard.

BTW Santa don’t drink all the Jack I left for ya, I may need a little “start me up” in the morning.

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Isn’t This a Bit Late?

I concede the “Holiday Season” runs thru the 2 nd of Jan., but couldn’t John Kerry have accomplished this in a more timely fashion?

Senator John F. Kerry is asking the more than 1 million people who registered online in support of his presidential campaign to help US troops in Iraq by donating money to the United Service Organizations so that the USO can provide soldiers with free phone cards for holiday calls home.

And of course Kerry didn’t miss an opportunity to mention he was in Vietnam. “As a soldier, I remember how much it meant to hear from loved ones, especially at the holidays. So I thought you and I could work together to make it easier for our soldiers serving in Iraq to phone home and hear a friendly voice.”

I thought he was in Cambodia for Christmas? John, just a thought, but in addition to the million or so your begging cash from, could you also chip in the money your pissing down a rat hole in Ohio? You know that “extra” campaign cash you now see fit to waste in an effort to subvert the electoral process.

BTW Senator, what happened to that promised trip to Iraq you were planning. Was it one of those stealthy Vietnam/”Magic Hat”/VC the Wonder Dog type trips that never made the newswires?

Merry Christmas Senator, and don’t let any of those pesky secret service agents bump into you on the Idaho ski slopes.

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And the 2004 Ebenezer Award Goes to…

… Lake Washington High School in Kirkland, Washington. and here to accept the award is Principal Mark Robertson.

Principal Mark Robertson cancelled a performance of the Charles Dickens classic A Christmas Carol by a private theater group on the high school’s campus, claiming that the show would raise serious questions about the role of religion in public schools. Although the principal also cited a school policy against the sale of tickets for the show, the performance had been scheduled for months in advance, and the same theater group had previously performed two secular plays at the school without incident.

“Although A Christmas Carol was canceled, the students and parents at Lake Washington High School witnessed an outstanding performance of the role of Ebenezer Scrooge,” said Anthony Picarello, President and General Counsel of The Becket Fund for Religious Liberty.

The school stood out in a strong field of “Ebby” contenders, including two that won “Dishonorable Mention.” The Plano School District near Dallas, Texas, came in a close second for prohibiting student speech about Christmas so severely that, on Friday, a federal court ordered the school to allow students to engage in religious expression at the school’s “Winter Break” party. The U.S. Justice Department has also started a broader investigation of the District’s practices regarding student religious speech.

And in third place was Macy’s Department Stores, for striking the phrase “Merry Christmas” from its banners and employees’ vocabulary in favor of the more generic “Happy Holidays” and “Season’s Greetings.” “It’s ironic that the setting for the classic Christmas film Miracle on 34th Street, and the perennial sponsor of a Thanksgiving Parade featuring Santa, suddenly forgot its history,” noted Jared Leland, The Becket Fund’s Media & Legal Counsel, “not to mention the reason why the bulk of its customers come flooding in this time of year.”

I’ll leave you with a section of this OP/ED piece by Alcestis “Cooky” Oberg in USA Today.

When city officials of Kensington, Md., tried to ban Santa Claus in 2001, citizens took to the streets – literally. Dozens of white-bearded, red-suited Santas roared into town in pickup trucks and motorcycles, defying this stunningly stupid ban in a wonderful act of Christmas civil disobedience. The townspeople cheered.

Maybe it’s time for us all to engage in some Christmas civil disobedience: Don a red suit, grab a knapsack of toys and charge full-tilt into the poorest sections of our towns, hoping that our belly laughs will be heard in every dark corner of City Hall, in every dingy school administration building.

And, as politically incorrect as it may be, we might do this in the name and memory of the original Santa Claus: old St. Nicholas who held the love of children and charity to the poor high like a blazing beacon, against the dark forces that try to erase reverent charity and generosity from public society – perhaps even from the human heart.

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Here is one clue:

Santa Claus lives in a completely sustainable commune that apparently generates its own electricity, creates its own food, and produces its own jobs. No evidence suggests that Santa owns any expensive items, attends any NASCAR events, or pays any taxes. Santa’s successful kibbutz reflects his preference for a simple, Blue-state life.

Read the rest for the counter argument.

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More Items for my Christmas Wish List

Hey… I never claimed to be politicaly correct, far from it!

GENEVA (Reuters) – Christmas gift buyers should avoid coral jewellery, crocodile skin and Beluga caviar if they want to enjoy a guilt-free holiday season, the nature protection group WWF says.

The Swiss-based body, the World Wide Fund for Nature, included the three on a list of 10 items whose commercial exploitation was endangering animal and plant species already threatened with extinction.

Well-wishers imbued with the Santa Claus spirit should also avoid buying tiger products or tigers for pets, it said.

“All international trade of tiger products, whether used in traditional Asian medicine, as souvenirs or for good luck charms, is illegal,” the WWF declared in a statement on Tuesday.

Ivory in any form should also be avoided, it admonished, because the ivory trade was threatening the survival of elephants whose tusks are its primary source.

Caspian Sea sturgeon, the source of Beluga caviar, face extinction due to illegal plunder and should only be bought in jars certified by CITES, the United Nation’s agency fighting trade in endangered species, the WWF warned.

High fashion shahtoosh scarves woven from the hair of Tibetan antelopes should be avoided altogether. “To obtain the wool, the antelope has to be killed,” the WWF said.

Many cactus species are banned from international trade. “There is a flourishing illegal trade which is wiping out native populations, particularly from Mexico,” WWF warned.

Finally, the WWF advised shoppers to avoid buying appliances like televisions and stereos that consume large amounts of electricity while on standby, arguing that the drain on energy they present was another threat to the environment.

Now I understand some of my readers are “monetarily challenged,” so I am willing to forgo my designs on the list of banned cactus species, (unless of course they are proven to be a good antelope execution devices) and Ivory. (except for this example) As for the tippity top of my list, it has to be the largest most powerful television on the planet. With the “standby” mode disabled!

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It appears he had more than “a few” too many, then decided in addition to ringing his bell he would clean someone’s clock.

DENVER – An intoxicated Salvation Army bell ringer with a history of public drinking was arrested after getting into a fight with an employee at a grocery store where he was collecting donations.

David Duncan, 46, was arrested Thursday on 11 outstanding warrants after he got into a fight with the Safeway worker, police detective Teresa Garcia said.

Nine of the 11 warrants were for public consumption of alcohol, Garcia said. Two were for trespass.

Duncan was a temporary Salvation Army employee and had undergone an interview but not a background check, Salvation Army spokeswoman Becky O’Guin said. The group hires about 1,000 bell ringers in the Denver area each Christmas season and doesn’t have the time or money for background checks, she said.

Maybe it’s time the Salvation Army placed two kettles at each store front. The second would be labeled, “Background Checks.”

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Ever Want to Piss-off The Neighbors?

Everyone has at some point, but for the sake of harmony, and fear of his Pit Bulldog, you kept to yourself and let sleeping dogs lay.

Well here’s your chance, by proxy, to piss-off this guys neighbors. With the click of your mouse (ONLY operational between 1800 and 2200 Mountain Time) you can turn off, and on, each and everyone of his 17,000 Christmas lights. In the process create the possibility of massive epileptic seizures throughout his community!

Oh what fun!

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APB Issued For Santa

SNN Santa News Network: Arctic Circle Police have issued a bulletin to be on the lookout for a drunken, red-suited criminal mastermind. In addition the US Department of Homeland Security has been called in to assist tracking the evil bastard. Along with a warning to approach with caution (He’s possibly armed with Rudolf’s “magic dust”) the Arctic Police have listed his most recent crimes:

Santa drops kid on head.

Santa Claus attacks an elderly woman in broad daylight with a two-by-four.

Santa Claus accused of using a board to strike a 74-year-old woman.

Father Christmas was too busy to see children. And to add insult to injury rather than working with helpful elves and reindeer by a roaring fire in his cosy grotto, the Arctic circle’s harassed Santa struggled with his English and was surrounded by dirty plates and ketchup bottles.

Santa reaches new low by cross dressing in England as he/she touts a lotto draw.

When last seen Santa was catching a few waves off the coast of California. Please remember to approach Santa with extreme caution. As Tom Kovaich has said, Santa Claus is an anagram for “Satan Lucas.”

Cross posted @ Christmas is Full of Crap.

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Or the tree it shits from. Hens a laying? Not a chance, there’s a Piggly Wiggly just down the street. But if you insist I do have a list you can select from. And damm you’re in luck all my selections appear in the same catalog.

When the giving spirit overwhelms you and and feel you simply must shower me with gifts here is my wish list in no order of preference. And please keep in mind the first item is a matched set:

In an effort to not appear entirely selfish, just one more item to be given to three people we all know very well. If you could see your way to purchasing a Clue Collector for John Kerry, Howard Dean, and Michael Moore we will all live in a better world!

Thanks Santa I know it is a very long list but I have thought of you as well. Here is a Christmas Packaging Machine, it should save you some time on Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas.. err.. Happy Holidays Ah screw it.. Just gimme my stuff!

This post has been stalled Outside the Beltway, in The Beltway Traffic Jam.

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Tis the season to be jolly:

HARRISON, Ark. (AP) — A man with plenty of time to spare as he awaited trial on drug charges drew and sold Christmas cards to raise enough extra money to post bond and get out of the Boone County jail.

Charlie Cook, 34, and his wife Laurie, 19, were arrested Oct. 12 and charged with making methampetamine, drug possession, possession of drug paraphernalia and manufacturing meth in the presense of children – a 2-year-old girl and a 9-month-old boy.

After meeting Clarence Yoder, a Mennonite who had visited Cook in jail he got into the spirit. He started pumping out drawings of winter scenes as Christmas cards. Yoder, who owns a bakery, was so impressed he agreed to sell them at $2 apiece. Mrs. Cook inspired by her time in the Iron Bar Hotel is also looking to mend her ways.

“We’re trying to stay away from the people and circumstances that have contributed to some of the bad choices we’ve made in the past,” Mrs. Cook told the Harrison Daily Times newspaper.

I could say one of those “bad choices” was getting pregnant at 17 by a then 32 year old drug dealer. But it is “the Season,” so I won’t. But those Christmas cards must be mighty impressive because at $2 dollars a pop they paid Cook’s $30,000 Bail!

That’s 60,000 cards! Mr. Hallmark… paging Mr. Hallmark white courtesy phone please.

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